I come from a large family, so the holidays meant joining tables in my parents’ Uptown New Orleans home to create a dining space for 25 to 30 people. Sometimes we had so many mouths to feed, the tables stretched onto the screened front porch.

When it was finally my turn to host a family holiday meal, I was in my 40s, with mountains of stuffing and dozens of cream pies on my résumé. I thought I was a pro. As I cleaned, cooked, and decorated, however, I soon realized my mother had been the director of those meals and I a mere player. I found myself overwhelmed and, frankly, by the time we sat down, tired and decidedly grumpy.

The reason? Some people arrived late. Others came with ice-cold dishes that needed to go in the oven; one brought an unanticipated stuffing, and I had no serving dish or utensil for it. A couple who hadn’t RSVP’d popped in, so I had to hustle up dinnerware and chairs. Sheesh.

As my sister led grace, I took a deep breath, and when I raised my eyes and looked around at our feast and the people I loved, the anxiety floated away. I realized, yes, I had mastered my mother's stuffing and gravy recipes, but I had forgotten her most important lesson: The food is just a conduit for the love that is at the heart of any gathering, especially at the holidays.

When I chatted with Amy Sins, owner of Langlois NOLA, I found a kindred spirit.

"It's all going to work out," said Amy, a chef and experienced holiday hostess who conducts cooking shows for corporate events and visitors to the Crescent City. "People are there to be together. You have to go into it with the right attitude." And she added something I've discovered firsthand: "The most important thing to remember is that food can sense fear. [Anxiety] not only affects how the food you prepare tastes; it sets the stage for how the entire day will go."

In other words, a relaxed host makes better-tasting food and sets the stage for a joyful gathering.

The first step is to pick your holiday style. A perfectly choreographed, balanced meal served flawlessly on sparkling china is tough to pull off without kitchen staff. Adjust your expectations.

One side of Amy's family embraces a paper-plates, serve-yourself-from-the-pot-on-the-stove feast while the other enjoys a china-fine, multicourse, sit-down meal.

I've tried it both ways: A buffet with paper plates and warming trays is certainly easier and allows for folks to come and go — but there's a warmth that comes with everyone sitting down together, saying grace, and passing food family-style that I treasure.

Regardless of your style, to succeed you'll need to embody seemingly disparate personalities: The careful planner and the go-with-the-flow hippy.

Here are tips from Amy and me for when to hold the reins and when to let go.

1. DON'T GUESS WHO'S COMING TO DINNER. A month out, invite guests and give them a few days to RSVP. When that date passes, reach out to non-responders. A few days before the dinner, check in again with any undecideds. And a concrete guest count affects just about every aspect of the meal.

That said... If you've invited a big group, folks may bail; others may show up unannounced. Set aside a few extra chairs and place settings so you can squeeze them in. Then, smile and adopt a more-the-merrier attitude.

2. EMBRACE MAKE-AHEAD DISHES AND POTLUCK OFFERINGS. Once she's created her menu with complementary dishes, Amy works toward having very little cooking to do the day of the meal. Yes, the turkey or roast will need to go in the oven and the salad must be freshly tossed, but breads and rolls, casseroles, pies — even gravy — can be made ahead and frozen for up to three months. Amy's mother-in-law makes five cornbread dressing casseroles at Thanksgiving and freezes three for Christmas. Amy herself found a brilliant make-ahead gravy recipe in *The New York Times* that uses roasted poultry legs or wings to create drippings so she can make and freeze her gravy.

Keep in mind, however, that frozen dishes will likely need at least two days to thaw in the refrigerator. (If you're roasting a frozen turkey, it must be in the refrigerator for 24 hours for every four pounds of bird to thaw properly.) Amy stores space-stealing jars in an ice chest to make room in her refrigerator.

That said... Yes, you have a plan, but "graciously accept things that don't match your menu. This isn’t about what you want,” Amy said. "If my friend from Brazil wants to bring black beans even though that’s what her family eats at the holidays, we graciously accept.... Then, there's a story and greater sharing at the table."